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Great site guys! Keep it up!!!

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. The pharmacist fainted.

Rachael starr

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Dear Mr. Minister, I’m in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I purchased a T.V. from them way back in 1998 and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For crying out loud, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date, you have on my Social Insurance Card, is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 46 years, my health insurance card, on the last eight passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the airplanes over the past 48 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my Mother’s name is Margaret, my Father’s name is Edgar and I’d be absolutely astounded if that would ever change between now and when I die! Wow! I apologize Mr. Minister. I’m really ticked off this morning. Between you and me, I’ve had enough! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my freakin’ address. What’s going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals working there?! Look at my picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Araft, for crying out loud. I just want to go park my butt on a sandy beach. And would someone tell me, why would you care whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?! If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or goat, believe you me; I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, ‘cause I have to send and application to the other end of the country and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $35.00! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that’d be too easy! You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then find some bozo to confirm that it’s really me on the stupid picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re to ticked off! Signed – An Irate Canadian Citizen

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

Why do they have braille in the drive-thru ATM?

Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell: The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking" "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.”

PEACOCK!!!